Table for One

 I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for awhile.  It’s not that I think I’m interesting or that anyone out there cares about what I’m doing- but I just have this compulsion to put my thoughts into writing.  So this afternoon as I’m sitting in a fancy French restaurant in a little coastal town I knew it was time. 

I get to travel a lot.  Sometimes to places that nobody wants to go to, and sometimes to little mini paradises.  However, most often I travel alone.  Even when I have coworkers traveling along, I tend to spend a lot of time alone as I’m terrible awkward and introverted.  

So today, I’m exploring. Here I am walking around a town that they make Hallmark movies about.  Small town feel, quiet coast, a few tourists and lots of locals.  I’ve been fasting the last two day (that’s another story), so today is my feast day.  I find an upscale French restaurant with patio dining and request a table.  It’s perfect, weather, scenery, layout, everything.  I get there just as they open for dinner service and it very quickly fills to capacity.  I look around and at first feel guilty, the dining seating is limited (Covid) the tables are full of couples and groups and people coming are being turned away.  Here I am, dining for one, taking up a table for four.  

Then I go back.  I’m in high school, I have a friend that I’m just starting to get close to.  She’s different and interesting.  I’m hanging out at her house for the first time and she talks about what she wants out of life and the future.  One of her statements is, “I want to eat alone” I just shrug, thinking no big deal.  But she goes on, “walk into a nice restaurant and sit alone, and not be embarrassed”. For some reason, this has stuck with me for the last twenty years. Ive eaten alone a lot since then.  Mostly fast food, some mid level dining nothing fancy, just places to grab food when I don’t have a kitchen in my hotel room. But today was different, I was eating for entertainment, a special treat for myself for meeting a goal I’ve had for awhile.  I was celebrating.  And I was alone.  I felt the weight of my high school friends desire.  I put away the guilt. I ordered an appetizer, an entree, and the chocolate mousse.  For me, it was an expensive meal.  The most I’d ever spent dining alone.  And I enjoyed it.  I didn’t crave company, wish I had someone to savor this meal with or to talk to over the table.  I sat with me and I thought about Theresa.